CW: Depression, Suicidal Ideation

I didn’t intend there to be a many, many month gap between these episodes. I never do. Canto VII was one of the most fun story bits that I have worked on in my decade of making sprite comics. That battle was something that would have been out of my reach during most of the run of Fortuna Saga and Hymns of the Apostate, but it came together in a really fun way. I think Ysane’s story arc (though brief) is perfect.

I came into this episode with a lot of enthusiasm but something unexpected happened… I got sad.

I’ve written about my youth on this site or on Twitter. But I don’t think I ever have talked about how I had suicidal ideation from about age 12 through most of my twenties. During this time, I would always have a few ready-to-go plans for how to kill myself. If I traveled, I would look for tall parking garages that I could jump off of or something nearby that I could use to kill myself “just in case.” I never tried to kill myself, but it was something I felt that I could do. It was something that I learned to either ignore or suppress.

After I got into a serious relationship with Jessica Mora, a contributor to Fortuna Saga, got married and had a kid, those thoughts became distant memories that I associated with the stress of my childhood and then the stress of serving in the military. I genuinely feel lucky to enjoy the type of life that I have now. It’s beyond what I could have imagined what was in stock when I daydreamed as a child.

Shortly after I updated the VIII-4, I noticed that I was starting to eyeball tall parking garages and other “good” locations to kill myself. I noticed I was getting frustrated easily when I normally laugh at frustrations. I sat down to work on this comic so many times and just felt an overwhelming sense of ennui before I made a single new brush stroke to a panel background.

I have a therapist for the first time in my life, and it has made an important difference. I haven’t had a suicidal thought for months, but I am not confident that this is something that I can ever be free from; however, it is something that I feel that I am finally getting tools to understand and control rather than suppress and ignore.

I don’t want this to come across as an excuse for a delay. It’s not an excuse. I guarantee there will be more delays. I can’t commit to a twice-a-week update schedule like I had with Fortuna Saga because my life is completely different now. Any future delays will (almost certainly) not be indicative that I’m suicidal again. I’m busy with my kids, my relationships, and my job. Delays will happen. This specific gap in updates was particularly hard for me, but I’m grateful that I was able to use it as an opportunity to address something that has been hounding me for the vast majority of my life.